A Hungry Eight-Year-Old at Noon on Fast Sunday

Three of you have written me this month with almost the same question, so I'm going to answer it once and then you can all stop being polite about it: how old does a child have to be before you ask her to fast? There isn't a number. I went looking for one, because I'm a former third-grade teacher and I like a number, and the Church doesn't give one. As near as I can paraphrase what the Church's pages for children say, a child can begin when she and her parents feel she's ready.

Which is no help at eleven in the morning, when ready is a feeling and what you actually hear in your kitchen is a cabinet being opened and shut. So this is about both halves, when to ask and what to do once asking has worked.

So when do you start asking a child to fast?

In Primary the lesson teaches children that fasting begins after baptism, and for most families that's where it begins at home too. Eight, then. But eight is a year in which one child reads chapter books and another still needs help with a zipper, so I'd tie the decision to whether she's asking and not to the birthday.

A child who asks to try, and can tell you in her own words what she thinks she's doing, is ready for something. Maybe not two meals. As I read the Church's guidance, children are never to be forced, and I'd add that they shouldn't be talked into it either, with the long warm speech that makes a kid feel the only loving answer is yes. If she's saying yes to please you, you'll know by ten.

Lily was baptized June 27 and started with one meal and water, and the first two-meal fast came the first Sunday of September. She was fine, then cross, then fine again once we ate.

If your child has a medical reason to eat regularly, or runs low and shaky easily, talk to her doctor and let the fast be something else. The Church is clear that a child who can't fast can still pray and feel the Spirit while others do.

What do you do about a cross child at noon?

Believe her when she says she's hungry, since that's accurate information and "You're fine" has never once made a person less hungry. Try "I know, me too, it's a long morning," in the voice you'd use about the weather, and then move her to something else.

Keep her out of the kitchen if you can, and don't cook anything with a smell between nine and one. A roast that goes in before church makes the house smell like dinner at the exact moment she's finding out how long it is until dinner. A slow cooker with the lid on does better, and a cold lunch set out for whoever isn't fasting does best.

Give her something to do with her hands, folding towels or drawing or anything with a hose in the yard. Reading aloud works for a while, but a hungry eight-year-old left alone will pick sitting still and watching the clock.

I tell her once an hour how long until we eat and otherwise leave the fast alone. If she hears every thirty minutes how well she's doing, she starts watching herself instead of the day. Keep one plain snack within reach, a banana or a cheese stick, and tell her it's there.

Jesus had a line in Matthew about fasting that I've started to read as practical advice for parents:

But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face;

That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.

Matthew 6:17-18

I doubt he had a cranky third-grader in mind, but a washed face and brushed hair do change a mood, and nobody at church needs to look at her and know. I don't thank her in public either. I wrote earlier this month about what praise in front of everyone did to a boy who was just being kind, and a fast is about as private as a thing gets.

What is the fast actually for?

All a child can see in her first fast is the missing food, and that's mostly our fault, because the missing food is how we explain it. Two meals, no snacks, ends at dinner. Of course that's what she thinks the day is. The description in the Doctrine and Covenants is a lot cheerier than the version in our heads:

And on this day thou shalt do none other thing, only let thy food be prepared with singleness of heart that thy fasting may be perfect, or, in other words, that thy joy may be full.

Verily, this is fasting and prayer, or in other words, rejoicing and prayer.

Doctrine and Covenants 59:13-14

That verse defines the fast by what you're doing and says nothing at all about what you're missing. If I've made her miserable, I've got the definition wrong.

Give the day something to point at. Before breakfast we ask who she wants to pray for, and she can pray for that person at eleven when she's cross just as well as at one when she's eating.

Then there's the offering, which I'm fonder of than the verse about it. Isaiah 58:7 asks, "Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house?" and I'd sooner give a child a real piece of that than explain it. Work out what two meals cost your family, round up and let her put the money in the fast offering envelope herself. Being hungry at noon doesn't feel connected to anyone else's hunger. Handing over her own ten dollars does, a little more each month.

Isaiah 58 is long and tempting, so a caution. Earlier on, the people are rebuked for fasting "for strife and debate," which is aimed at grown men and women quarreling while they went without food. I'm not hanging it on an eight-year-old who snapped at her brother, and I'd ask you not to either.

And if she quits at ten-thirty?

Then she eats a banana and says a prayer. I'd rather that than watch her white-knuckle her way to dinner with her jaw set, because what I want her to remember about her first fasts is that they were hers.

Comparison trips up a lot of us, and her older brother did it at that age with no trouble or a cousin did or somebody's child announced her fast in testimony meeting. None of those children is yours. I wrote recently about how many run-throughs a shy kid needs before practice turns into dread, and the same goes here. A child will try something hard a good many times if every attempt ends warmly, and she'll stop altogether if one ends with a lecture. If she gives up and says she's done for a while, I'd let a couple of months go by and then ask once, as an invitation.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should an eight-year-old fast for two meals?

If she wants to and she's healthy and she's tried one. Start with a single meal and add the second when she says she's ready, which for Lily took about two months. Plenty of children do better waiting until ten or eleven.

Can she drink water?

In our house, yes. Fasting as the Church describes it means going without food and drink, so a child with water is doing a smaller fast than an adult, and at eight I'm fine with that. You may land somewhere else.

What if she wants to try but I'm not sure she's ready?

Let her skip breakfast on a Saturday with nothing planned. It's easier to find out how she handles it on a day with no pressure than on a Sunday with church and everybody watching.

Is it okay for a child to fast from something other than food?

Yes, and I'd offer it. A Sunday without the tablet, with the prayer and the offering still attached, teaches a lot of what the fast is for. Meals can come later.

Last question

I only have the one eight-year-old to go on. What has actually worked in your house for the hungry hour, and did it change as your child got older? I'd like a better list than mine.

with love, Melissa