Breakfast Table Councils: Bringing Family Decisions into Everyday Life
The mountain of shoes in our entryway had been growing for three days. Four people live here and the cat sometimes drags in a sock, so it isn't small. I had asked everyone nicely to put their shoes away and nobody had done it and I was standing there holding the fourth pair I'd picked up that morning when it hit me that I could either keep being the shoe police or I could ask for help differently.
So that night at dinner I said, "I'm struggling with the shoes in the hallway and I don't want to keep yelling about it. Does anyone have a better idea?"
My teenager said, "What if we each get a basket by the door?"
My middle-schooler said, "What if the basket has my name on it?"
My second-grader said, "What if the basket has a picture of a horse?"
The toddler said "Shoes!" and threw a carrot on the floor.
I bought three baskets and a permanent marker and two weeks later the shoes are mostly in the baskets and nobody yells about them anymore and I realized that we had just held a family council without having a family council. There was no agenda and no printed manual and no opening prayer and it worked anyway.
I don't know if this will make sense yet but I've been thinking about how much pressure we put on the idea of the family council. We imagine a formal meeting with everyone sitting upright and a topic planned in advance and a clear decision by the end. And when the real version involves a toddler throwing produce and a teenager rolling her eyes and someone's phone buzzing under the table, we decide we must be doing it wrong and we stop trying.
How to Hold a Family Council LDS (for Real)
The shift for me was realizing that a council doesn't have to look like a council. The word itself makes it sound formal and official and like you need a gavel. But the principle underneath it is simpler. A family council is just a way of making decisions together where everyone gets heard and the goal is unity.
The church handbook says teaching opportunities come in the ordinary moments of working and playing together and I think the same is true for councils. Some of the best decisions we've made as a family happened in the car on the way to somewhere else, or while folding laundry, or over a bowl of cereal on a Saturday morning when nobody was in a hurry.
I wrote about how hard this can be in Humble Family Council: Navigating Conflict with Grace but I'm learning that lowering the formality doesn't lower the importance. It makes it more accessible.
"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." (Doctrine and Covenants 88:119)
I used to read that verse and think it meant a perfectly organized house with everything in its place and everyone on schedule. Now I think it means a house where the people are organized enough in their love for each other to figure things out together.
Family Council Ideas for Children
The toddler absolutely doesn't sit still for a council. I've stopped trying to make her. I let her color on the floor or play with toys or eat snacks while we talk. She's still hearing us. She's still learning that her family gathers to talk about things.
For the younger kids, I've found that the shorter and more visual the council, the better it goes. Instead of talking about "being more kind to each other" I say "let's each name one way we can be kind this week and put a marble in the jar every time we do it." The second-grader can see the marble jar filling up and that matters more to her than the abstract concept.
For the teenager, I give her something to own. When we were planning our summer trip, I let her choose which days we'd do what. That made her a partner in the decision instead of a passenger. She cared about the outcome because she helped create it.
LDS Family Council vs Family Meeting
A family meeting is about logistics. Who is driving who to practice and what time is dinner and do we need to buy more milk. A family council is about something deeper. It's about how we're feeling and where we're struggling and what we think God wants for our family.
The difference matters because if I'm trying to solve a deeper problem with a logistics tool, it won't work. The shoe basket was a logistics solution but what made it a council was that I asked for input instead of making an announcement. I treated the family like partners in the problem instead of recipients of a decision.
Solving Family Conflict with a Family Council
Some of the hardest councils to hold are the ones about family conflict. I used to wait until a problem was too big to ignore before I'd bring it up and by then everyone was already defensive and nobody wanted to talk. I'm learning to bring things up sooner, when the problem is still small and the feelings aren't raw yet.
One Sunday evening we had a short council because I had noticed that the older kids were being short with each other and the tension was showing up in every conversation. I said "I've noticed there's been some friction this week and I'm wondering if anyone wants to talk about it." My middle-schooler said his sister had taken something from his room without asking. Ten minutes and a restored shirt later, the tension was gone.
I think about what I learned from Gentle Art of the Family Council: Power Struggles to Partnership when I need a reminder that the goal of a council around conflict isn't to assign blame. It's to find a way forward together.
How to Get Teenagers to Participate in Family Councils
This one took me the longest to figure out. My teenager would sit at the table with her arms crossed and say nothing or she would say "I don't know" to every question. I thought she wasn't interested.
But eventually I realized she wasn't opposed to the council, just the format. She doesn't want to sit around a table and talk about feelings. She'd rather talk in the car where she doesn't have to make eye contact, or text me something later that she couldn't say at dinner.
I started finding her in her own spaces. A council can happen in the car on the way to school. A decision can be made while making cookies together. The location matters less than the willingness to listen.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between a family meeting and a family council?
A family meeting handles logistics and schedules and chores. A family council goes deeper into seeking unity and solving problems through shared input. You might start a council with a question like "how are we doing?" instead of "who's driving to practice?" and the atmosphere leaves room for feelings, not just facts.
How do I handle a child who refuses to participate or is disruptive during a council?
If a child is disruptive, the format might not be working for them. Try a micro-council with just one child, or move the conversation to a different setting like the car or a walk. The goal is connection, not compliance. A child who walks away from the table but brings up the topic later was still listening.
How often should we hold a family council?
Some weeks we have several small councils, one about shoes and one about screen time and one about what to eat for Sunday dinner. Some weeks we have none. The most important thing is that it stays a natural tool, not something that feels like an obligation. The rhythm will find itself.
I bought three baskets and a marker and I wrote names on them and the shoes went into the baskets and nobody yelled about it. That's the kind of council I think we're actually meant to have. Small and practical and built around a real problem instead of a pre-written agenda. The table is the council chamber and the breakfast is the opening prayer and we're learning to listen to each other one shoe basket at a time.
with love, Melissa