Caleb Asked If He Has to Wear a White Shirt Every Week

Wednesday afternoon I was on my knees in the Odyssey hunting for a batting glove when Caleb leaned over the back seat and asked, upside down and to nobody in particular, whether deacons have to wear a white shirt every single Sunday or only the first one. I told him most of the boys do. He said "okay" in the voice he uses when it isn't. The glove was in the cupholder, where it had been the whole time.

He turns twelve on February 2, and the boys in our church are ordained deacons in January of the year they turn twelve, so we have about four months. David will ordain him. The ward held its meeting for the eleven-year-olds and their parents on August 30, and Caleb will sit down with the bishop sometime before the new year. Since the meeting David and I have been trying to talk with him, which so far means answering whatever he asks while he's looking at something else.

What do you actually tell an eleven-year-old about becoming a deacon?

I answer what he asks. The white shirt was a real question and he wanted a real answer, so I gave him one, and the next day he wanted to know who he'd sit with, and whether the tray gets heavy, and what happens if somebody coughs while he's holding it. He has never once asked what the priesthood is. I think he's asking whether he can do it, and the big version can wait until he's heard the small ones answered.

I used to picture a sit-down with the lights low. David gave a calm little speech about responsibility in the Tacoma on the way to the lumberyard and Caleb answered with the truck he'd buy at sixteen. Short and in the car works better than long and at the table, at least for him.

What does a deacon actually do?

This is the part where I went and read, because I realized I was about to explain a calling I'd mostly watched from the pews. One place the revelation lays out the duties of each office is Doctrine and Covenants 20, and the deacon gets only a few lines. Verse 58 tells what deacons and teachers don't have authority to do (baptize, administer the sacrament, lay on hands), and then this:

They are, however, to warn, expound, exhort, and teach, and invite all to come unto Christ.

Doctrine and Covenants 20:59

I read it twice looking for the tray and it isn't there.

Passing the sacrament is what the ward gives deacons to do, and the tray is the part he's worried about. But verse 59 has a bigger job in it. Warn and expound and exhort sound like a lot to hang on someone who still sleeps in his baseball socks, though the last one I could explain to him over a bowl of cereal. I told him that and put the tray second. He shrugged, and then he asked if the new boy in his class, the one who eats lunch alone, counted as "all." I said I thought he did.

What's my part in all this?

I stand beside David and about half a step back, since he holds the priesthood and I don't, and it would be easy to sit in the kitchen and let the two of them have the conversation. But I'm the one home when Caleb gets in from school, and the questions come at about 3:40 while he's eating cheese out of the bag.

I say "ask Dad" when I should, and when it's something neither of us knows, which happens more than Caleb would like, we do what I wrote about in I Don't Know Is a Fine Answer for About a Week and look it up together by the weekend. Last week it was why the priests bless the sacrament and the deacons pass it, and we looked that up on Saturday with the manual open on the arm of the couch and Lily reading over his shoulder, wanting to know why she wasn't being asked.

I don't say "a deacon wouldn't do that" when he's in trouble.

Mostly I give him ordinary things that are his. He already has a few of the real jobs I wrote about in Real Jobs for a Two-Year-Old, an Eight and an Eleven, and I want January to feel like one more of those, with people counting on him and room to get it wrong on a Sunday and try again the next.

Frequently Asked Questions

When should I start talking to my son about the priesthood?

When he asks, which for Caleb was about the first week of school. If he hasn't asked yet I wouldn't put it on the calendar. Wait for a drive somewhere and see what comes out of the back seat.

What if he seems nervous or doesn't care?

Caleb has been both in the same hour, so I'd expect that. I don't poke at the nervousness. I just tell him what he'll actually be doing on a Sunday, down to where he stands, and that seems to give it less to chew on.

Should we make a big deal of ordination day?

Not a big one, and not nothing either. We'll probably do a dinner he picks and a call to Grandpa, and I'd like a white shirt that fits him now and not just in the store. He'll want a snack right after, because he always does.

Does the mother have a part?

Yes, and I'd say more than you're probably picturing. I won't do the ordaining, but I'll be the one who hears the nine questions before it. If you're in a house where Dad can't or won't, the bishop will help find someone, and the questions are still yours to answer.

Penny has started laying in the tomato bed instead of the nest box. I found three eggs behind the cages this afternoon, and one of them was still warm.

with love, Melissa