Gentle-Enough Home: Releasing the Pressure of Perfect Parenting

I burnt the toast this morning, and I am not talking about the scrape-and-call-it-breakfast kind. This was the black-smoke-full-kitchen kind, the one where you have to open all the windows and explain to the teenager that yes, you managed to do it again. I stood there staring at the smoking toaster while the toddler cried about a fruit pouch I had not opened yet and the second-grader was asking if I had signed the permission slip that was due today and the middle-schooler needed a ride that I was now late for.

And instead of handling any of it with grace I snapped. I snapped at the toddler for crying about a pouch and at the second-grader for asking a normal question and at the middle-schooler for having a schedule that required a parent. By the time I got everyone out the door I was the opposite of the gentle mother I want to be, and it was not even eight in the morning.

I spent the drive home asking myself what went wrong, and the answer surprised me. It was not that I needed a better system or a more consistent routine. I had been trying to hold everything at a standard I was never meant to reach. The idea that my home has to be perfectly managed and perfectly peaceful and perfectly spiritual for my children to feel the love of God is a lie I have been believing for twelve years.

Overcoming Parenting Guilt LDS

There is a kind of guilt that sits with you at the kitchen table after everyone has gone to bed. It is not the productive kind that leads toward change. It is the circular kind that just tells you that you are not enough. You did not read the scriptures long enough. You lost your temper again. The house is a mess and the children ate cereal for dinner and you cannot remember the last real family council you had.

I know that guilt because I have lived in it for years. I have measured my worth as a mother against a standard no real woman could meet, and I have let that measurement convince me that I was failing my children and failing the Lord. But I think the atonement of Jesus Christ covers more than the things we do wrong. I think it covers the ways we fall short of who we want to be, even when no commandment was broken. The parent who wants to be patient and is not has something to bring to the Lord. The parent who wants to create a spiritual home and does not know how has something to bring to the Lord.

I believe grace is for the gap between the mother I am and the mother I wish I was.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

That verse used to confuse me. I thought it meant I needed to be weaker so God could be stronger. But I do not think that is what it means anymore. I think it means God can work through the weakness that is already there. The burnt toast morning was not a failure that disqualified me. It was a Tuesday, and God can work through Tuesdays.

How to Have a Spiritual Home with Young Children

I used to think a spiritual home required certain conditions like the family kneeling together in silence and the scriptures being read from a clean table and the Spirit having no room for entry in a space that looked like a craft store exploded in it. But I cannot find that idea anywhere in the scriptures. The Holy Ghost is described as a comforter and a guide and a witness of truth, not as a guest who requires a tidy house before entering. I have felt the Spirit in the car on the way to practice and in the kitchen while holding a crying baby and at the table with a ring from a juice cup and a pile of mail and a half-finished LEGO structure taking up one corner. The sacred part is not the setting. The sacred part is the turning. When we stop and acknowledge God together, even for thirty seconds, the Spirit can be present. The children do not need to be still and the table does not need to be clear. The hearts just need to be pointed in the right direction.

LDS Perspective on Imperfect Parenting

I read something once about the difference between how the Savior approached people and how the Pharisees did. The Pharisees demanded that people get clean before they came close. The Savior invited people to come close and let Him help them get clean.

There are times I have been a Pharisee in my own home. I have insisted that everything be in order before I could feel like I was doing it right. The house had to be clean and the children had to be behaved and the schedule had to go according to plan. When it did not, I punished myself and everyone around me with the tension of it.

I am trying a different approach now that involves letting my children come close to me in the middle of the mess and letting the Lord come close to me in the middle of my own mess. The imperfect moments are where the real teaching happens. When I lose my temper and then apologize, I teach my children about repentance more effectively than a perfect record of patience ever could.

Finding Peace in a Chaotic Home LDS

The chaos is not going away and I know that now. I have four children and a life that is not slowing down and the chaos is not a sign that I am doing something wrong. It is a sign that I am living a real life with real people in it.

Peace does not come from eliminating the chaos. Peace comes from finding God in the middle of it. I think about Nephi binding the broken bow and making a new one. He was in the middle of a wilderness that was not going to fix itself. No one was coming to rescue the situation. He had to work with what he had there in the desert, and I think he was not calm because everything was fine. He was calm because he knew God was in the wilderness with him.

That is what I want for my home. Not the absence of noise and mess and interruption. The knowledge that God is here in the noise and the mess and the interruption.

I wrote about this a little in The Low-Stakes Welcome: Hospitality When Your House Isnt Perfect. The same principle that applies to hospitality applies to parenting. God does not wait for our houses to be clean before He shows up, and He does not wait for our parenting to be flawless before He works through it.

Applying Grace to Parenting LDS

I have started doing something that feels small but has changed the air in our home. When I lose my temper I apologize, and I mean a real apology not a lecture dressed up as one. "I am sorry I yelled. I was tired and I took it out on you and that was not fair. Will you forgive me?"

The first time I did this I expected my child to lose respect for me. Instead she looked at me with relief. She had been waiting for me to see her side of it. We were not a perfect parent and a perfect child having a perfect interaction. We were two imperfect people who loved each other and needed to start over.

That is what grace looks like in a home. It is not the absence of failure. It is what happens after the failure. The willingness to humble ourselves and repair and try again. I think that is the pattern the Savior gave us, not that we would never fall but that we would always get back up.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I tell if I am being too lenient versus gentle-enough?

The difference is in the goal. Lenience avoids the hard work of growth to keep things easy. Gentle-enough still pursues boundaries and righteousness but does it with grace. You can hold a standard and still offer compassion when the standard is not met.

Does letting go of perfection mean I am neglecting my duty to raise my children in righteousness?

Not at all. Modeling repentance and humility is a central part of teaching righteousness. When you apologize to your child after a mistake, you are teaching them more about the character of Christ than a perfect performance ever could.

How do I deal with the feeling that other families have it all together?

You are comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel. Every family has hard mornings and hidden struggles. Focus on your own children and the ways your particular family can grow together.

I still have mornings where the smoke alarm is going off and the toddler is crying and I have forgotten the permission slip again. But I am learning to meet those mornings differently. I am learning to say "we will try again tomorrow" and mean it. A home does not need to be perfect to be sacred. It just needs to be gentle enough for the people inside it to feel safe and loved.

That is a standard I can live with.

with love, Melissa