Our Answer to Lily's First Sleepover Invitation

The part of the invitation I read three times was the pickup time. Drop-off was five o'clock on Saturday, which looked fine. Pickup was ten the next morning, written in purple marker at the bottom of the card, and that's where I stopped, because everything I'd want to know about a sleepover happens between those two numbers and none of it is printed.

Lily's classmate Annika is turning eight, the party is this coming Saturday the 24th, and we've been asked to answer by Wednesday. That's the whole story. The rest of this is how our family thinks about the question, since it will come up again.

What David and I decided about the sleepover

We said yes to the party and not yet to the night. Lily goes at five, stays for the cake and the movie in her pajamas, and I pick her up at nine. Some families call that a late-over, a sleepover that ends before anyone is actually asleep.

David and I landed in the same place without much trouble, and for plain reasons. She's eight. We've met Annika's mom twice, both times at the classroom door, and we've never been inside their house. Lily has also been having evenings lately when she says her stomach feels heavy and she wants somebody to stay with her, which I wrote about in Lily Asked Me to Stay and Not Say the Thing. Asking a mom we've met twice to sit on the edge of the bed at midnight is a lot to put on a child who only just found the words for it with us.

None of that is a verdict on Annika's family, and I'd like her mom to hear it that way.

What I check before any overnight

I went looking for what the Church says about sleepovers, in case I was missing a rule. I didn't find one for children staying at a friend's house. The General Handbook has approval and parental-consent rules for Church activities that go overnight, and it puts youth camp with parents' approval in the year a young person turns twelve, but that's for ward and stake activities and doesn't reach a birthday party at somebody's home. So this is a family decision, and families are allowed to make it differently.

What I use in place of a rule is a short set of questions, and they've worked for Caleb too.

• Who will be awake, and in the house, the whole night?
• Who else will be staying or dropping by? Older siblings, cousins, a neighbor's teenager.
• Where do the phones and tablets go once the lights are off?
• Does my child know she can call me at any hour, and that I'll come without asking her why until the next day?

The last one carries the most weight for me. A child who can leave a house at 11:30 without explaining herself in front of the other kids will usually be fine staying, and a child who can't is the one I'd keep home. Most nights nothing happens beyond a tired kid, and I'd still like the door to be easy to use before anybody needs it.

How do you say no to a sleepover without the other mom feeling judged?

I keep it short and about my own house. This is what I sent Annika's mom.

Lily is so excited and thank you for including her. We're not doing overnights yet at her age, that's just our house rule for now. Could she come for the party and the movie and I'll pick her up at nine? If the plan is all-in, I completely understand, and we'll find another day to celebrate Annika.

The rule is called ours, so it's a fact about my household and says nothing about hers. The offer sits right next to the no, so she isn't left holding only a refusal. And she gets an easy way out, because she planned a party around a certain number of girls and she doesn't owe me a redesign.

I leave reasons out unless she asks, and if she does one small true one is enough, something like "she's eight and she's been a little tender at bedtime." Every extra reason I've ever given has sounded, to the person hearing it, like a comment on their home.

Why a late-over works for an eight-year-old

The hours a child wants most out of a sleepover are the ones at the end of the evening, when everybody is in pajamas and a little punchy and someone is under a blanket with a flashlight. A late-over keeps those. What it drops is the long night in a strange bed and the wobbly morning after. Eight is the age where that morning tends to cost the most.

The late-over does cost her something, since Lily may be the one putting on her shoes at nine while the other girls unroll sleeping bags, and she may mind. I've told her it's fine to be disappointed, and I'll wait in the driveway, because talking a child out of a feeling has never once worked at our house.

What changes as they get older

Caleb is eleven and had his first full sleepover around nine, at a friend he's known since T-ball. What has changed for him is how much more is in the room. At eleven there are phones and group chats and somebody's older brother wandering in at midnight, so my questions shift from who is awake toward what's on the screens, and I ask them out loud, to the other parent, before he goes. That conversation is a little awkward once and easy after.

The call-me-anytime part stays the same at every age, and Ben is two, so for him it's years off.

The Church itself starts trusting young people with a few nights away at youth camp, under leaders and with a parent's approval, in the year they turn twelve. I don't treat that as a policy for friends' houses. I do notice that it's a long way from eight.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does the Church have a rule against sleepovers?

I couldn't find one for children staying at a friend's house, and I looked. There are rules for Church-sponsored overnight activities like youth camp, and a birthday party isn't one of those. If someone tells you there's a rule, ask them where it's written.

What is a late-over?

A sleepover without the night. The kids come for the evening, put on pajamas, watch the movie and get picked up at bedtime. It's a family compromise and nothing more official than that.

What if the other family only offers the full sleepover?

Then it's a no thank you with no hard feelings, and you can plan a daytime visit another weekend. You don't have to rescue the party for them or defend your answer.

What should I ask my child the next day?

What was good about it and what was worst about it, in that order. Then I stay and listen. If the worst part is small I let it be small, and if it isn't I want to hear it before I decide anything about the next invitation.

What was the first question that changed your answer about a sleepover?

with love, Melissa