Potty Training a Boy Who Isn't Interested Yet

I don't buy the idea that a child who won't go near the potty just needs a firmer parent. The books that promise a dry boy by Monday if you give up one weekend were written for a child who is already most of the way there, and then they get handed to everybody, including the mother whose son looks at the little chair and walks to the other side of the room.

Ben is two years and eleven months old. He turns three on the thirtieth, sixteen days from now. My mother asked about it on the Sunday call, kindly, and I said not yet.

What I wait for before I start

I taught third grade, so I go by a list. The AAFP review of toilet training has a table of readiness signs, and MedlinePlus has a shorter one. Put together: he asks for the potty or for underwear, he can pull his clothes up and down, he follows simple instructions, he tells you with words or his face that he needs to go, he stays dry for two hours at a time or wakes from a nap dry, and he's curious about the bathroom.

The sources don't say how many you need, so the number is mine. Four or five of those before I begin. Ben follows a two-step instruction without trouble (bring me your cup, then get your coat) and he can pull his pants down. He's dry after his nap about half the days. He doesn't say a word about needing to go, and he doesn't care what anyone does in the bathroom, except that he'd like the door open so he can bring in a truck.

"If your child resists the training, it means they aren't ready yet."

MedlinePlus, from the NIH

Is three too late for a boy?

Not by the numbers. MedlinePlus says children commonly stay in diapers until about age 2 to 3, and that readiness usually shows up between 18 and 30 months, so Ben is at the far edge of that and not outside what's normal. KidsHealth says boys often start later and take longer than girls, and the AAFP review says girls usually finish training earlier. I looked for a good explanation of why and found confident blog posts and nothing I'd trust, so I only keep the plain fact. Ben is in the middle of what's ordinary, and I'd rather say that to a worried mother than invent a reason.

The line for a doctor is later. MedlinePlus says to call one if a child still doesn't use the toilet after age 4, and also for pain when he urinates or has a stool, for very frequent wetting or for new accidents after he was trained. That's MedlinePlus, not me.

What I won't do

Questions every twenty minutes are out, since he says no to everything, juice included. So are chocolate chips for sitting there. Nor will I make him sit when he doesn't want to, which KidsHealth says not to do either.

If he resists once we start, MedlinePlus says to back off and wait a few weeks before trying again. The AAFP review describes a gentler way in, where the child sits on the potty chair with his clothes on for short periods and is free to get up whenever he likes. That's the one I'd pick for Ben.

It asks nothing of him except to sit near the thing.

Pull-ups, underwear and the small potty, for when it starts

I'll use a small potty on the floor and not a seat on the big toilet. KidsHealth says a potty chair may work better for a boy who feels awkward or scared standing on a stool, and that it's usually best for boys to learn sitting down before standing up. Standing can wait.

At home, underwear from the first day, on the kitchen tile where a puddle is easy to wipe up. Pull-ups for the car, for church and for naps. MedlinePlus suggests pull-ups once a child uses the toilet fairly regularly, and KidsHealth says some parents worry a child will treat them like diapers. I'll watch for that. Night comes last, and MedlinePlus suggests a waterproof mattress pad for it. For church I'd pack two changes of clothes in zip bags and tell the nursery leaders ahead of time. For the Odyssey, a folded towel under him and a spare outfit in the back. MedlinePlus says to expect accidents, and its rule for them is four words long, which I've decided to treat as a household rule: never scold your child.

I'm not starting during fall break. Caleb and Lily are home both days, which I wrote about in my plan for those two days, and a new skill doesn't belong in a two-day break.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my son refuses to sit on the potty?

I'd put the potty away, since MedlinePlus says to back off and wait a few weeks before trying again, and KidsHealth says not to make a child sit against his will. Keep the chair where he can see it if you can stand to, and don't comment on it.

Should I use pull-ups or go straight to underwear?

I do both in different places. Underwear at home so he feels wet and I can see what's happening, pull-ups for the car, church and naps. Underwear everywhere on day one would have me doing laundry all week.

Is it a problem if he's still in diapers at three?

Not by what I read. MedlinePlus puts the call-the-doctor line at age 4 with no toilet use. I'm not a doctor, so if you're worried about pain or a lot of wetting, call yours.

When does he stay dry at night?

Later than the daytime. KidsHealth says nighttime control can take months to even years after he's trained in the day.

Ben hasn't signed up for any of this yet. This week I'm buying a small floor potty and setting it in the bathroom without a word to him, and on the thirtieth, when he turns three, I'll go through the list again and count how many I can check.

with love, Melissa