The Art of the Low-Pressure Spiritual Rhythm: Finding Peace in Imperfect Family Discipleship

I was standing at the kitchen sink washing the same pan for the second time when I realized I had not done scripture study with the children that morning. The toddler had woken up early and the second-grader could not find her shoes and the middle-schooler had a project due that he had forgotten to mention and the teenager had already left for early morning seminary. The morning had passed in a blur of cereal bowls and lost homework and one argument about whose turn it was to feed the dog. And now it was 9:47 and the scripture bag was still on the counter where I had left it the night before.

I stood there with the sponge in my hand and I thought about the difference between the spiritual rhythm I imagine for our family and the one that actually happens. The one I imagine involves everyone sitting at the table with open scriptures and reverent faces and a discussion that leads to a meaningful application of gospel principles. The one that actually happens involves a toddler eating a cheese stick on the floor and a middle-schooler asking if we can be done yet and a second-grader who wants to tell a long story about her horse that has nothing to do with the lesson.

I almost did not write this because I have been sitting with the gap between those two versions for a long time. And I think I have finally figured out what I need to let go of. I thought the problem was skipping scripture study. It turned out the problem was thinking scripture study had to look a certain way.

LDS Family Discipleship for Busy Parents

The Church teaches that the home is the primary place for gospel learning. I believe that. But I used to think it meant the home had to look like a classroom. That I needed a lesson plan and a visual aid and a discussion question for every age group and a closing activity that tied everything together. I spent years trying to create a classroom environment in my living room and it never worked because my living room is not a classroom. It is a place where people eat cereal and argue about the dog and forget to tell me about their projects.

I have been learning that family discipleship does not have to look like a lesson. It can look like a question asked during a car ride. A verse read out loud while someone is eating breakfast. A prayer said together before bed when the day has been too full for anything else.

I wrote about this in The Grace of the Unfinished Lesson and I keep coming back to the same truth. The lesson does not have to be finished for the Spirit to be present. The rhythm does not have to be perfect for it to be real.

How to Do Family Home Evening With Toddlers

The toddler is the reason I had to change my approach. She does not sit still for a lesson. She does not sit still for a song. And she does not sit still for a prayer unless she is holding something interesting. I used to fight it. I would try to make her sit still and she would squirm and I would get frustrated and the whole evening would feel like a failure.

But I started paying attention to what she was actually doing during those evenings. She was listening even when she was moving. She was absorbing even when she seemed distracted. And she was learning that the gospel is something we do together even when it is hard.

Now she moves during lessons, draws on paper while I read verses, and sometimes sits on my lap and wiggles. And when she answers with something about the blue cup, I let that be enough. She is learning that the gospel belongs to her too and that she does not have to be still to be part of it.

Low Pressure Scripture Study for Families

I have started doing something that feels almost too simple to write down. I pick one verse from whatever we are studying in Come, Follow Me and I read it out loud. That is the whole lesson. Sometimes I ask a question about it and sometimes I do not. Sometimes someone has a thought and sometimes no one does. Either way we have read a verse of scripture together and that is enough.

I think about Mosiah 4:27. It says we should not run faster than we have strength. I used to read that verse and think it meant I should slow down my personal pace. But I have been reading it differently lately. I think it also means I should not run faster than my family has strength. That the pace of our family discipleship should match the pace of our actual family. Not the family I wish I had. The one with the toddler who draws on the wall and the middle-schooler who forgets his projects and the teenager who needs space.

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength (Mosiah 4:27).

Dealing With Guilt Over Imperfect Family Home Evening

The guilt is the part I have had to work through the most. The feeling that I am not doing enough. That my children are missing out on something important because I cannot get the rhythm right. I have spent years measuring our family discipleship against a standard that does not exist in any manual. It exists in my head and it does not let up.

But I have started to notice something about that guilt. It does not help me do better. It just makes me want to stop trying and stopping is the only real failure.

I think about what the Proclamation on the Family says about rearing children in love and righteousness. The love comes first and the love is the foundation. The righteousness grows out of the love, not the other way around. And love does not require a perfect lesson plan. Love requires showing up. Love requires trying again even when the morning fell apart and the scripture bag is still on the counter.

Simple Ways to Teach Gospel to Children at Home

Here is what I have learned after twelve years of trying to figure this out. The gospel gets taught in the small moments. In the car ride to practice when someone asks a question about why bad things happen. In the kitchen while you are making dinner and someone wants to know what happens when we die. And in the bedtime routine when a child is finally quiet enough to ask the question they have been carrying all day.

I keep a short list of questions in my head. Where did you see God today, what is something you are worried about, and what do you wonder about heaven? I ask them when the moment feels right and I listen to the answers and sometimes the answers lead somewhere and sometimes they do not. But the question plants a seed and the seed grows in its own time.

I wrote about this in The Sacred Ordinary because I think the ordinary moments are where the real discipleship happens. The counter I wipe and the lunch I pack and the question I ask in the car. These are not interruptions to the spiritual work. They are the spiritual work.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my children are too restless for formal scripture study?

I worried about this for years. My toddler once spent an entire scripture study under the table collecting dust bunnies. But I noticed she was still listening when I thought she was not. Now I let her draw or wiggle. The Spirit does not need them still to reach them.

How can I maintain a spiritual rhythm when my schedule is overwhelmed?

I have learned to look for the smallest version that still counts. A prayer together before bed, one verse of scripture at breakfast, or a question asked in the car. When I lowered the bar for what counts as success, I stopped burning out and the rhythm kept going even on the hard days.

Is it okay to change the day or time of our Family Home Evening?

I used to think Monday night was the only option. But Church leaders have said home evenings should meet the needs of the individual family. We have done ours on Sunday afternoons and Tuesday evenings and even Saturday mornings. The value is in the time together, not the day on the calendar.

What if I miss a day or a week?

I have missed plenty of days. The rhythm is not broken by one missed day. It is broken by giving up. I have found that the Lord sees the effort and He honors it. Grace fills the gap between what we manage to do and what we hoped to do.

How do I involve a spouse who works late or is not a member?

I have been there too. Do what you can with what you have. If it is just you and the children, that is enough. A shortened version with a prayer and a song and a quick question still counts. The Lord sees your effort and He honors it. You are not doing it wrong.

I put the pan in the drying rack and I picked up the scripture bag from the counter. The toddler was eating a cheese stick on the floor and the second-grader was practicing her spelling words and the middle-schooler was pretending to do homework. I opened the bag and I read one verse out loud. The toddler said it was about Jesus and I said yes it is and that was the whole lesson.

with love, Melissa