The Family Council: From Meetings to Heart Connection
I was standing at the kitchen sink last Tuesday when my eight-year-old came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He didn't say anything. He just stood there with his cheek pressed against my shoulder blade while I kept scrubbing a pan that had been soaking since breakfast. After a minute he said, "Mom, when are we going to have a family council again?"
I almost laughed when I thought about how badly that meeting had gone. Our last "family council" had been three weeks earlier when I had printed out a worksheet, written an agenda on the whiteboard, and planned a fifteen-minute meeting that would cover chores and schedules and a short scripture. It lasted seven minutes before the toddler dumped a cup of water on the floor and the second-grader announced she was bored and the teenager sighed in a way that made me feel like I had already failed.
But here is what my son was really asking me that day. He wasn't asking about the agenda or the chore chart or the whiteboard. He was asking about the part where we sat on the floor together and passed the bag of apple slices around and talked about who was having a hard week. What he wanted was the feeling of being in a circle where everyone got to speak.
I have been thinking about that a lot. About the difference between a meeting and a moment.
How to Hold a Family Council With Young Children
The first thing I had to unlearn was the idea that a family council needs to look like a meeting. I spent five years in a classroom before I had kids, and I was good at running a classroom meeting. I knew how to keep a group of twenty-five third graders on task and moving toward a goal. So when I became a parent, I tried to run my family the same way. I made agendas, set time limits, and expected outcomes.
It didn't work. Not because the kids were difficult, but because a family isn't a classroom. A classroom meeting has a clear objective and a teacher who guides the outcome. A family council has a different purpose entirely. The goal isn't to get through the agenda. The goal is to practice being a family who listens to each other and seeks the Lord together.
With young children, the best family councils are short and flexible. I have learned to hold them during breakfast instead of after dinner when everyone is tired. I let the toddler sit on my lap and play with my necklace while we talk. A five-minute conversation in the car on the way to school counts more than a thirty-minute meeting that leaves everyone frustrated.
The key is to ask questions that invite sharing instead of reporting. Instead of "Did you finish your chores?" try "How can we help each other today?" Instead of "What do we need to plan for this week?" try "What made you feel happy this week and what was hard?" The questions set the tone. If the questions feel like a check-in, the council feels like connection.
Family Council Ideas for Latter-day Saint Families
One thing that helped me was letting go of the idea that every council needs to cover the same things. Some weeks we talk about schedules and who needs a ride to practice. Other weeks we just go around the circle and say one thing we are grateful for and one thing we are worried about. Both count.
I wrote about this in The Unpolished Family Council and the principle is the same. The council doesn't have to be polished to be meaningful. Some of our best councils have happened on the living room floor with a bag of pretzels and a dog who kept trying to lick the baby's face.
Here are a few things that have worked for us:
A gratitude round where everyone says one thing they are thankful for. A prayer request round where everyone shares something they need help with. For problem-solving, we pick one issue and let the kids suggest solutions. A planning round covers upcoming events and who needs what.
The format matters less than the rhythm. If the family knows that every council includes a chance to speak and a chance to listen, they will start showing up ready to do both.
How to Resolve Family Conflict Using Gospel Principles
This is the part I used to avoid. I didn't want to hold a family council when there was tension in the house because I was afraid the council would just make it worse. But I have learned that the council is exactly where conflict belongs.
The gospel gives us a pattern for this. In the Doctrine and Covenants we are taught:
Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love (D&C 121:43).
That verse used to scare me. But I have come to see it as a promise. The sharpness isn't the point. The increase of love is the point.
When we bring a conflict to the family council, we aren't looking for someone to win. We are looking for a way forward that everyone can live with. That changes how we talk. Instead of "You always leave your shoes in the hallway," we say "I am having a hard time with the shoes in the hallway. Can we figure out a system that works for everyone?" The kids have come up with better solutions than I ever would have. One time my daughter suggested a basket by the door with a picture of each person's shoes taped to it. It worked better than anything I had tried.
The council teaches children that their voice matters. It teaches them that problems aren't something to hide from. They are something to bring to the circle and solve together.
Benefits of Family Councils for Children's Spiritual Growth
I didn't expect this when we started. I thought family councils were for planning and problem-solving. But over time I noticed something happening in my kids that I hadn't planned for.
They started asking better questions and noticing when someone in the family was having a hard day and offering to help. And they started praying for each other by name during family prayer because they had heard each other share real needs during the council.
The council is a place where children learn that their feelings matter to God. When a six-year-old says "I was sad when my friend didn't share at recess" and the family stops to listen and pray about it, that child learns something about the gospel that no Primary lesson can teach. They learn that God cares about the small things. They learn that the family is a place where you can be honest about what is hard.
I think about the scripture in Mosiah where King Benjamin gathers his people and listens to them and they are filled with the Spirit. That is what a family council can be. A gathering where everyone is heard and the Spirit fills the space between us.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I start a family council if my children are very young?
Keep it short and simple. A five-minute conversation during breakfast counts. Ask one question like "How can we help each other today?" or "What made you feel happy?" Let the toddler sit on your lap. Don't worry about the agenda. The habit of gathering together is more important than what you actually talk about.
What should we do if a family council ends in a disagreement?
A disagreement is actually a good sign because it means people feel safe enough to be honest. Remind everyone that the goal isn't for one person to win. The goal is to find a way forward with love. If you can't reach a decision, pray together and agree to come back to it later. Teaching your children that patience and prayer are part of the process is more valuable than reaching a quick resolution.
How often should a family hold a council?
There isn't one perfect answer to how often a family should hold a council. Some families do well with a weekly schedule while others hold councils as needed. The most important thing is that the family feels a sense of peace during the process. A ten-minute heart-to-heart is often more effective than a long formal session that leaves everyone exhausted. Pay attention to what your family needs right now.
What if my spouse isn't on board with family councils?
Start small and don't force it if your spouse isn't on board yet. You can hold a mini-council with just the kids during a meal or a car ride. Let your spouse see the results rather than hearing about the plan. When they see the kids asking better questions and treating each other more kindly, they will often come around on their own. The Spirit works on everyone at their own pace.
Can a family council really work with teenagers who don't want to participate?
Yes, but it might look different from what you expect when you first try it. Teenagers need to feel like the council is a place where their opinion actually matters, not a place where they get lectured. Give them real responsibility. Let them lead a discussion or choose the topic. If they are resistant, try a one-on-one council instead of a full family gathering. A walk around the block with a teenager who doesn't want to sit at a table can turn into the best council you have all week.
I still don't have the family council figured out. Some weeks we skip it. Some weeks it is a mess. But I am learning to stop measuring success by how well the meeting went and start measuring it by how connected we feel when it is over.
The worksheet is still in a drawer somewhere. I haven't looked at it in months. But my eight-year-old still asks when we are going to have a family council again. And that tells me we are doing something right.
with love, Melissa