The Hospitality of Good Enough: Opening Your Home Without the Pressure

I heard the knock and my heart dropped straight through the floor. The kitchen counters were covered in breakfast dishes and the living room looked like a craft store had exploded in it and I was still wearing the t-shirt I had slept in. There was a friend at the door who had texted me the night before asking if she could stop by and I had said yes without thinking and now she was here and my house was a disaster and I almost pretended I was not home.

I did not pretend. I opened the door with my messy hair and my messy house and I said something like sorry about the chaos and she looked around and she said your house looks like a house where people live and I think that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

How to Be Hospitable with a Messy House

I spent years believing that hospitality required a clean home rather than a warm welcome. Not a tidy home in the normal sense but a company-ready home where the baseboards were dusted and the throw pillows were arranged and the bathroom smelled like something from a candle store. I would spend hours cleaning before anyone came over and by the time they arrived I was too exhausted to enjoy their company.

I started to wonder what I was actually doing. Was I preparing my home for guests or was I preparing a performance for an audience? Because the two things look similar on the surface but they feel completely different. Preparation for guests is about making people comfortable. Preparation for a performance is about making yourself look good. One of those is hospitality and the other is something else entirely.

The Art of the Low-Stakes Welcome helped me see that the best hospitality I have ever received did not come from a spotless house. It came from a friend who opened her door with flour on her apron and said come help me finish these cookies. It came from a neighbor who handed me a cup of coffee and apologized for the laundry pile on the couch and then we sat on top of the laundry pile and talked for two hours. Those moments felt like grace because there was nothing to prove.

Tips for Inviting People Over When You Have Young Children

Here is what I have learned about having people over when the house is full of small children. You have to lower the bar until it is on the ground. Not a little lower. All the way to the ground.

I used to think I needed to plan a full meal and have the children bathed and the toys put away and the dog out of the way. Now I invite people over for dessert at seven thirty which is after the toddler goes to bed and I serve store bought cookies on paper plates and I do not apologize for any of it. The children can stay up a little later and the house still looks like a house with four children in it and everyone is fine.

The best advice I got came from a woman in my ward who has seven children. She told me that she keeps a basket of individually wrapped snacks in her pantry and when someone stops by unexpectedly she just hands them the basket and says pick something. No fussing. No hovering. Just here is a snack and here is a chair and I am glad you came. She taught me that hospitality is about making the guest feel wanted not making the guest feel impressed.

Overcoming Anxiety About Guests in LDS Homes

I think the anxiety runs deeper for Latter-day Saint women because we have been taught that our homes are sanctuaries. And that is true. But somewhere along the way we started believing that a sanctuary has to look like a magazine spread instead of understanding that a sanctuary is simply a place where people feel safe enough to be themselves.

I remember visiting a home once where everything was beautiful and perfectly arranged. The furniture was matching and the floors were clean and there was fresh bread on the counter. And I sat on the edge of the couch trying not to touch anything and I did not feel at home at all. I felt like I was in a display room. The house was lovely and the hospitality felt absent.

The homes where I have felt the most welcome are the homes where I was handed a chipped mug and told to put my feet up on the coffee table. I remember a host saying I am so glad you are here and really meaning it. That has nothing to do with the state of the baseboards.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. - Hebrews 13:2

I think about that verse a lot. It does not say entertain strangers in a house that has been deep cleaned. It says entertain strangers and the welcome is what matters. The rest is just decoration.

Difference Between Entertaining and Hospitality in the Gospel

I keep coming back to the difference between entertaining and hospitality because I think the confusion between the two is where most of the anxiety comes from. When you are entertaining you focus on impressing people, but hospitality is about serving them. Entertaining asks what will people think while hospitality asks what do people need. The host sits at the center of entertaining but hospitality puts the guest there instead.

When I started shifting from entertaining to hospitality everything got easier. I stopped worrying about whether the towels in the bathroom matched and started worrying about whether the guest had a comfortable place to sit and a cold drink in their hand. I stopped apologizing for the clutter and started focusing on the conversation. Somewhere in there I stopped performing and just started connecting instead.

The Theology of the Unfinished Home reminded me that our homes are not finished products. They are living spaces where real life happens. The dishes in the sink and the homework on the table and the toys on the floor are evidence of a family that exists. And that evidence does not disqualify us from hospitality. It makes our hospitality more real.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I deal with the feeling that a messy home reflects a lack of spiritual order?

A clean house and a faithful heart are not the same thing. You can have a spotless home and a stressed out soul and you can have a cluttered home and a peaceful spirit. Your value as a disciple and a mother is not measured by the state of your laundry pile. The Lord cares about how you treat the people who walk through your door, not whether you dusted the ceiling fans.

What is the simplest way to prepare for a guest when I am completely overwhelmed?

The simplest way to prepare is to focus on a clean place for your guest to sit, a clean bathroom they can use, and something small to offer them to eat or drink. That is the whole list. The toys in the corner and the mail on the counter and the dog hair on the rug do not matter. Your guest came to see you, not to inspect your house.

How can I encourage other women to come over if they are also struggling with house pride?

When a friend cannot come over, be honest about your own mess first. When you text and say I would invite you over but my house is a disaster, add the next sentence: but I would still love to see you. Most of the time she will come anyway and she will be relieved that your house looks as lived in as hers does. That shared honesty is the beginning of real hospitality.

I am still learning to open my door without cleaning everything first. Some days I succeed and some days I do not. But I am starting to understand that the people I love do not come to my house to admire my crown molding. They come because they want to be with me and that is the only thing that has ever mattered.

with love, Melissa