The Open Door: From Perfect Hosting to Heart Hospitality

I was pulling a load of laundry out of the dryer last Thursday when I heard a knock at the front door. I looked down at what I was wearing. Sweatpants. A t-shirt with a stain I couldn't remember the origin of. My hair was in a bun that had been there since Tuesday. The living room had a pile of board games on the floor and a half-eaten granola bar on the coffee table and a stack of library books that needed to go back three weeks ago.

I almost didn't answer the door last Thursday but I did and it was a woman from the ward I didn't know well. She was new and she was holding a casserole dish and she looked almost as nervous as I felt. I opened the door and I said "Come in. Sorry about the mess." She stepped over the board games and sat down on the couch and we talked for an hour.

She came back the next week. And the week after that. Somewhere in between the granola bar crumbs and the overdue library books I realized something. She didn't come back because my house was clean. She came back because she felt welcome.

The Difference Between Hosting and Hospitality in an LDS Home

I have been thinking a lot about the difference between hosting and hospitality. Hosting is what I do when I know someone is coming. I clean the bathrooms and I vacuum the rug and I make something that takes more than three ingredients. Hospitality is what happened that Thursday afternoon when I answered the door in my sweatpants and let someone in anyway.

I wrote about this idea before in Hospitality of the Heart and I keep coming back to it because I keep needing to learn it again. The gospel version of hospitality is about the person on the other side of the door. It is about making them feel seen and loved and like they belong. The state of the living room matters a lot less than I think it does.

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Hebrews 13:2

I read that verse and I think about the woman with the casserole dish. I don't know if she was an angel. But she was a gift. And I almost missed her because I was worried about the laundry.

LDS Tips for Welcoming Guests at Home

Here is what I have learned from the times I actually opened the door and the times I didn't.

Keep something simple on hand. I started keeping a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and a jar of apple cider vinegar in the cupboard for a quick hot drink. It takes thirty seconds to put a kettle on. It takes two minutes to pour a cup. The gesture matters more than what is in the cup.

Lower the threshold for yourself. I used to think I needed a full meal and a clean house and a plan. Now a warm hello and a place to sit are enough. Everything else is extra.

Let them see the real house. I used to apologize for everything from the toys on the floor to the dishes in the sink to the pile of mail on the counter. But I noticed that when I stopped apologizing my guests started relaxing. They could see that we live here. And somehow that gave them permission to be real too.

How to Be a More Hospitable Person in a Busy Family

The honest version is that I am tired most of the time. I have four children and a schedule that looks like a game of Tetris and by the time evening comes I want to sit on the couch and not talk to anyone. The idea of hospitality can feel like one more thing on the list.

But I have started thinking about hospitality differently. I think about Abraham in Genesis 18. Abraham in Genesis 18 was sitting at the door of his tent in the heat of the day and he saw three strangers and he ran to meet them. He didn't wait until his tent was clean or prepare a speech. He just saw people and he moved toward them.

I can do that by seeing the person at the door and moving toward them. I can offer what I have even if what I have is a bag of chocolate chips and a kettle and a living room with board games on the floor.

Overcoming the Fear of a Messy House When Guests Visit

I know the fear. I know it because I live in it. The fear that someone will see the dust on the baseboards or the crack in the wall or the way the couch cushions are permanently dented from years of children jumping on them. The fear that they will judge.

But here is what I have noticed when I visit someone else's house. I look at their face and whether they seem glad to see me and whether they offer me a drink and a place to sit. I don't remember the state of their kitchen counters. What I remember is how they made me feel and I think other people are the same. They aren't coming to inspect my house. They are coming to be with me and the more I can get out of my own way and just let them in the more we both get what we actually need.

Creating a Welcoming Home for Members of the Church of Jesus Christ

I have been thinking about what it means for our home to be a place where people feel like they belong. Not just for the people we already know but for the people who are new or lonely or struggling.

I think it starts with the door and with being willing to open it even when the house is a mess and we are tired and we don't have a plan. It continues with the way we listen and let people be where they are without trying to fix them or impress them.

I wrote about this in Low-Pressure Hospitality and the principle is the same. The goal isn't to have the most impressive home in the ward. The goal is to have the most welcoming one. And welcoming doesn't require perfection. It requires presence.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between hosting and hospitality in a gospel context?

Hosting is about the presentation. It is the clean house and the planned menu and the desire to have everything look right. Hospitality is about the person. It is making someone feel seen and valued and loved. Hosting focuses on the environment. Hospitality focuses on the relationship.

How can I be hospitable if my home is currently messy or cluttered?

People are drawn to authenticity more than perfection. The most welcoming thing you can offer is your warmth and attention. Find a clean enough space for them to sit and a simple way to welcome them. The clutter of a lived-in home often makes guests feel more relaxed anyway.

How do I balance the desire to be hospitable with the exhaustion of a busy family schedule?

Shift your hospitality from elaborate to accessible. Instead of a full meal offer a simple treat and a conversation. Keep the door open for guests to come as they are. This takes the pressure off you to perform and keeps the focus on the connection.

What if I feel embarrassed about the state of my home when someone visits?

Most guests aren't looking at your house the way you are. They are looking for connection. If you can offer a warm welcome and a genuine conversation you have already given them what they came for. The rest is background noise.

How do I start being more hospitable when I have never done it before?

Start small. Invite one person over for a cup of tea. Don't clean the whole house. Just clear one chair and put the kettle on. The first time is the hardest. After that it gets easier.

I still hesitate sometimes when I hear a knock at the door. I still look around at the mess and think about not answering. But I am trying to remember that Thursday afternoon. The woman with the casserole dish and the way she smiled when I said come in and the way she kept coming back. The laundry will still be there in an hour and the dishes will still be in the sink. But the person at the door might not be.

with love, Melissa