The Quiet Transition: From Directive to Supportive Parenting for LDS Teens

She came home from school and went straight to her room and closed the door and I stood in the hallway looking at the wood grain and trying to remember the last time she told me something without me having to ask first. The door was not locked but it might as well have been because the silence on the other side of it was the kind you cannot open with your hand. I stood there for a minute and then I walked back to the kitchen and put the kettle on and tried to tell myself that this was normal. That teenagers close doors. That it means nothing personal. But it felt personal anyway because it always does when the person you used to carry on your hip starts carrying everything alone.

I used to know everything about her including what she ate for lunch and who she sat with and whether she finished her math worksheet and what song was stuck in her head. Now I know what she chooses to tell me and I have to live with that.

Here is the thing I am learning about parenting a teenager. The methods that worked for the first twelve years stop working and they do not stop working gently. They stop working in a way that makes you feel like you have been doing everything wrong the whole time because the child who used to respond to a raised eyebrow now responds to a raised eyebrow with a look that says you do not understand anything.

Transitioning from Controlling to Supporting Parent for Teenagers

I spent most of my parenting life being the person in charge and I was good at it. I set the rules and enforced the consequences and kept the schedule and checked the homework. I ran a home like a well-organized classroom which made sense because I used to run a classroom and I was good at that too. Third graders need clear boundaries and consistent feedback and they do well when they know what is expected of them. Teenagers need something different and I did not realize how hard it would be to switch gears.

The shift from controlling to supporting feels like stepping off a solid dock into a boat that is already moving. You are still in charge in some ways but you cannot steer the way you used to because the boat has its own momentum and if you grab the wheel too hard you might tip the whole thing over.

A post on The Art of the Low-Stakes Welcome helped me see that perfectionism in parenting is often a form of control. You want everything to be right because if it is right you know where you stand. But teenagers do not want to stand where you put them anymore. They want to stand on their own and your job is to stand close enough that they know you are there without making them feel crowded.

Balancing Agency and Boundaries in LDS Parenting

There is a particular pressure that comes with raising teenagers in the church. You want them to choose the right and you want it so badly that you can feel it in your chest when you watch them walk into the chapel or sit through a youth lesson or decide whether to go to mutual on a Tuesday night. And the wanting can turn into grabbing. You start reaching for their choices because you are afraid of what happens if you do not.

But I have learned that agency is a law of heaven and it does not pause during the teenage years.

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life. - 2 Nephi 2:27

You cannot override someone's agency no matter how much you love them and if you try you will lose the connection that might have let you influence them. The balance is the hardest part. You set boundaries for safety but you loosen them for growth. You stay close enough to catch them but far enough that they can actually fall.

I asked a friend who raised five teenagers how she did it and she said something I will never forget. She said she stopped asking questions she already knew the answer to because those questions were just tests and her kids could feel it. She started asking questions she actually wanted to know the answer to and that changed everything. I have been trying that. Instead of asking did you finish your reading I ask what are you thinking about this week. The answers are different. Some of them are even honest.

How to Maintain a Relationship with a Struggling LDS Teen

The word struggling is a heavy one and I do not use it lightly. I know families where the teenager has stepped away from the church or made choices that break a parent's heart and I have watched those parents try everything from more rules to more love to more space to more talks and more silence. And none of it feels like enough because the thing you cannot control is the one thing that matters most.

The article on The Quiet Faith That Grows When Nobody Is Watching helped me understand that faith is not something you can hand to someone else. You can model it and talk about it and create space for it but you cannot make it grow in another person's heart. That is between them and the Lord.

What you can do is stay. You can be the person who does not leave when the answers get complicated. You can be the parent who listens without immediately correcting and who loves without conditions. That does not mean you stop having standards. It means you put the relationship ahead of the agenda. Because if the relationship breaks you have no way to influence anything at all.

I think about the Savior and how he treated the people who were struggling the most. He did not start with a lecture. Instead he started with presence and ate with them and walked with them and asked them questions. He stayed even when they did not understand and he kept the door open even when they walked away.

How to Help LDS Teens Develop a Personal Testimony

I have started to notice that the most powerful spiritual moments with my teenager are not the ones I planned. They are the ones that happened in the cracks of the day when I was not trying to manufacture a teaching moment. A question she asked while I was driving carpool. A comment she made while we were folding laundry. Or a sentence she said at dinner that hung in the air for a moment.

Testimony has to grow on its own and growth takes time and space and a certain amount of silence. You cannot download it into another person. The best thing I can do for my teenager's testimony is to let her see mine. I try to let her see me reading my scriptures when nobody asked me to. Let her hear me pray about things that are real and messy. And let her watch me struggle with my own questions and stay faithful anyway.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know when to step in and when to let my teen make a mistake?

I try the safety versus growth test when I am unsure whether to step in. If the mistake could cause serious harm or cross a moral line that would be hard to come back from, I step in. If it is about natural consequences like a bad grade or a social conflict that will hurt but not break, let it happen. Growth lives in the space between the mistake and what they learn from it and you cannot steal that space by rushing in to fix everything.

My teen has stopped talking to me about their faith. What should I do?

Stop asking about their faith and start finding out who they are right now. Ask about what they are watching and listening to and what they think about their friends and what stresses them out. Listen without fixing. When the relationship feels safe and they know you will not jump to correct them, they will be more likely to bring up the hard stuff on their own.

How can I support my child's agency without feeling like I am neglecting my duty?

What your duty looks like changes at this stage and it helps to reframe it. It is no longer about making sure they make every right choice. It is about making sure they know they are loved no matter what choices they make. Being a safe harbor is a form of stewardship that matters more than any rule you could enforce.

The door is still closed most afternoons and I still stand in the hallway sometimes wondering what is on the other side of it. But I am learning to knock instead of open and wait instead of demand and listen instead of lecture. The girl on the other side of that door is becoming someone I am getting to know all over again and I think that is the whole point of this stage. Not holding on tighter but learning how to love in a new way.

with love, Melissa