The Scarf in the Box: Helping Children Grieve with Hope
The scarf was in a box of things my mother-in-law sent home with us after the funeral. I pulled it out by accident looking for a winter hat and the smell hit me before I even saw it. Her perfume. The one she wore every Sunday. The one that lingered in her hallway and on her coat and in the folds of the scarf she always kept draped over the back of her armchair.
I stood there in the mudroom holding it and I couldn't breathe for a second. Not from sadness exactly. From the shock of her being so close when she was so gone.
My seven-year-old came around the corner and saw me standing there with the scarf pressed against my face. She didn't ask what was wrong. She just came and stood next to me and put her hand on my arm. After a minute she said "That smells like Grandma."
And I said "It does."
And we stood there together in the mudroom with the scarf between us and the smell of someone we loved filling the space where she used to be.
How to Explain Death to Children
That moment taught me something I had been trying to learn for weeks. Kids don't need us to have the right words. They need us to be honest about the ones we have.
I spent the first few days after my mother-in-law's death trying to figure out what to say to my children while wanting to protect them. Making sure I didn't say something that would scare them or confuse them was constantly on my mind. I read articles and asked friends and practiced sentences in my head.
But what my daughter needed wasn't a perfect explanation. My daughter needed to see me holding the scarf and crying. She needed to know that it was okay to miss someone so much that your chest hurts. And she needed permission to feel the loss without someone trying to fix it.
"Jesus wept." (John 11:35)
The shortest verse in the scriptures and maybe the most important one for a grieving child. Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus from the dead. He knew the sorrow was temporary. And He still wept. He didn't tell Mary and Martha to cheer up because the Plan of Salvation was in place. He sat with them in their grief first.
I think about that a lot when I'm tempted to jump straight to the doctrinal comfort. The Plan of Salvation is real and it's true and I believe it with my whole heart. But a child who's crying doesn't need a theology lesson. They need someone to sit on the floor with them and cry too.
LDS Gospel and Grieving Children
We started doing something after the funeral that I didn't have a name for at first. My oldest daughter asked if she could keep the scarf in her room. She said it made her feel like Grandma was still close. I said yes and then I found myself wondering if that was healthy or if I was letting her hold on too tight.
I talked to a friend who works with grieving families and she told me about something called continuing bonds. It's the idea that death changes the form of a relationship but doesn't end it. In an LDS context that fits perfectly with what we already believe about eternal families. The relationship doesn't stop. It just looks different.
So we started doing small things to keep the bond alive. We light a candle on Grandma's birthday. We make her banana bread recipe every Thanksgiving. The kids write her letters sometimes and we tuck them into the box with the scarf. My youngest drew a picture of Grandma in heaven with Jesus and it's taped to the refrigerator right next to the spelling test and the soccer schedule.
I wrote about protecting the ordinary rhythms of family life in The Bridge of Generations: Grandparents and Grandchildren and this feels like the other side of that same coin. The relationship doesn't end when the person dies. It just moves into a different kind of space.
Helping Children Cope with Loss of Grandparents
The hardest part for me has been watching my kids grieve in different ways. My teenager wants to talk about Grandma all the time and my middle-schooler doesn't want to talk about her at all and my second-grader asks questions that break my heart and my toddler just keeps asking when Grandma is coming back.
I used to think there was a right way to grieve and a wrong way. But I've learned that grief looks different for every person and every age. The teenager who wants to talk isn't handling it better than the middle-schooler who goes quiet. They're just processing in different languages.
What they all need is the same thing. They need to know that it's safe to feel whatever they feel. They need to know that anger and confusion and even a day where they don't feel sad at all are all normal. And they need to know that Grandma is still part of our family. She's just on the other side of a door we can't open yet.
Teaching the Plan of Salvation Through Grief
I've been trying to find a way to talk about the Plan of Salvation with my kids without using it to shut down their sadness. The gospel is true and I believe in eternal families with everything I have. But I also know that knowing something is true doesn't make the missing stop.
So I've started saying things like this. "I know Grandma is with Heavenly Father and that she's happy. And I'm so glad about that. But I'm sad because I want her here with us. Both of those things can be true at the same time." The same way I wrote about in Unplanned Discipleship: The Gospel in Your Daily Family Life, the most meaningful gospel teaching happens in the moments when we let the doctrine meet the real ache.
That has helped more than any scripture I've quoted. Because it gives my kids permission to hold both truths. The hope of the resurrection and the ache of the empty chair. The promise of forever and the reality of tonight.
Activities for Kids to Remember Deceased Loved Ones
A few things have helped our family, like a memory box where each child can put things that remind them of the person they lost. A small ritual on birthdays and holidays like lighting a candle or making their favorite food. A journal where they can write letters or draw pictures whenever they want to feel close to the person.
None of these things fix the grief but they give it a shape. And I think that's what children need most. Not for us to take the grief away but for us to help them find a way to carry it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I tell my child that a loved one has died without scaring them?
Use simple and honest language. Say that the person's body stopped working and couldn't be fixed. Avoid phrases like "went to sleep" or "passed away" because young children can take those words literally and become afraid of sleeping or of losing other people. Remind them that the love they shared is still real.
Is it okay if my child is angry or doesn't seem sad about a death?
Children process grief in waves and in different ways, so anger and confusion and even a day where they seem completely fine are all normal responses. The most important thing is to let them know that whatever they're feeling is okay and that you're there to listen when they're ready to talk.
How can we use the Plan of Salvation to comfort a grieving child without dismissing their pain?
Start with the pain. Let them know it's okay to be sad and to miss the person deeply. Then gently introduce the Plan of Salvation as a promise of future reunion. The hope of the gospel is a light that helps us walk through the dark. It doesn't turn the dark off.
Last week my daughter came downstairs holding the scarf again and she wrapped it around her neck and said "I'm going to wear this today." And she did. She wore it to school and to piano lessons and to the dinner table. It was too warm for a scarf and it didn't match anything she was wearing.
But she wore it anyway.
I thought about how that's what grief looks like sometimes. You carry the thing that reminds you of who you lost even when it doesn't fit the moment. Even when it's awkward. Even when nobody else understands why you're wearing a scarf in June.
with love, Melissa