The Unpolished Council: From Formal Meetings to Real Connection

I sat down at the kitchen table with a notebook and a pen and a plan. I had read the articles about family councils and I knew the structure. Opening prayer, gratitude sharing, discussion of family needs, goal setting, closing prayer. I had it all written down in my careful teacher handwriting. The toddler was in bed and the older children were sitting in front of me and I was ready for a meaningful spiritual experience.

The middle-schooler asked if he could be excused to finish his homework and the teenager sighed. And the second-grader started drawing on the edge of the notebook. And I sat there with my careful plan and I thought this is not working.

I almost did not write this because I spent years thinking I was doing family councils wrong and that the problem was me. I was not structured enough or consistent enough or spiritual enough to make it work. But I have been sitting with something this year. What if the problem was not me? What if the problem was the version of the family council I was trying to force?

How to Start a Family Council for Kids

I used to think a family council needed to look like a business meeting. Everyone sitting still, taking turns speaking, following an agenda. I was trying to replicate something I had seen in a manual or heard in a talk and it did not fit the people sitting at my table.

The honest version is that I started over. I stopped trying to do it the way I thought it was supposed to look and I started doing it the way that actually worked for my family.

Now a family council at our house might happen while we are folding laundry together. It might happen in the car on the way to practice. It might happen over pancakes on a Saturday morning when nobody has anywhere to be. The location does not matter. What matters is that we are together and we are talking and we are trying to figure out how to be a family.

I wrote about this in The Art of the Family Council: Moving from Conflict to Collaboration in the LDS Home and I keep coming back to the same idea. The council is not about the structure. It is about the connection.

LDS Family Council Ideas for Toddlers

The toddler does not sit still for a council. She does not sit still for anything. She wants to be on my lap or under the table or running in circles around the kitchen. I used to try to make her sit down and participate. Now I let her be where she is.

I have learned that the toddler participates in her own way. She hears us talking even when she seems to be ignoring us. She absorbs the tone of the conversation even when she is not following the words. And sometimes she says something in the middle of the discussion that surprises me and I realize she was listening all along.

I think about the premortal council where we all participated together and I do not think that council was quiet and orderly. I think it was full of voices and questions and energy. And I think the Lord was patient with all of us. I am trying to be that patient with the toddler.

How to Handle Sibling Arguments in Family Councils

The first time I tried a family council it ended with the middle-schooler and the teenager arguing about who had taken whose charger. I sat there wondering if I was supposed to stop the council or let it happen. I let it happen. And something interesting came out of it.

They talked about the charger for a few minutes and then the teenager said she was tired of feeling like nobody respected her things. And the middle-schooler said he was tired of feeling like he was always in trouble. And suddenly we were not talking about a charger anymore. We were talking about how each person in this family wants to feel respected.

I think that is what a family council is supposed to be. Not a meeting where everyone behaves perfectly. A space where the real things get said. Even if they start with an argument about a charger.

Behold, that which ye have done, I have seen; and it is expedient in me that ye should pray unto the Father, and that ye should counsel with him in all your doings (Alma 12:3).

I keep that verse close. It says counsel with the Lord in all your doings. Not just the ones that happen at a table with a notebook and a pen. The ones that happen in the middle of the mess too.

Making Family Councils Less Formal and More Spiritual

I have started doing something that has changed everything. I start the council by saying something honest about how I am feeling. I say I am tired today or I had a hard week or I am feeling grateful for something specific. When I am honest first, the children are more honest too.

I also stopped trying to cover everything. We do not need to solve every problem in one council. We pick one thing. One goal for the week, one problem to work on, one person to support. That is enough.

The teenager told me recently that she likes the councils better now because they do not feel like a lecture. She said it feels like we are all on the same team. That is the best compliment I have received about anything I have tried to do in this house.

Benefits of Family Councils in LDS Homes

I think the biggest benefit is not what gets accomplished during the council. It is what happens after. The children are more likely to come to me with a problem during the week because they know there is a space for it. The middle-schooler will say we should talk about this at the next council. And the teenager will bring up something she has been thinking about.

The council has become a container for the hard conversations. It is not the only place we have them. But it is a place where everyone knows they will be heard. And that changes the whole week.

I think about the Savior and how He counseled with His disciples. He did not hand them an agenda. He walked with them and ate with them and answered their questions when they asked. That is the model I am trying to follow. Not a meeting. A way of being together.

Frequently Asked Questions

What if my children are too young to participate in a formal family council?

I do not worry about formality with the little ones. I include them in the feeling of the council and let them share a simple happy or sad thing about their week. The goal for young children is to feel that their voice matters and that the family is a safe place to share.

How do I keep a family council from turning into a list of everything my kids are doing wrong?

I set a positive-first rule. I start by sharing something I admire about each person in the room. Then I keep the focus on solving problems together as a team instead of assigning blame. One specific goal is better than a laundry list of corrections.

How often should we actually hold these councils?

There is no right frequency. Some weeks we do it every Sunday. Other weeks we skip and pick it up the next week. The key is the spirit of the thing, not the schedule. A council that happens once a month with real connection is better than one that happens every week out of obligation.

What if my family council ends in an argument?

Mine have. More than once. I have learned that an argument is not a failed council. It is a sign that something real needs to be addressed. I let the argument happen and then I try to guide it toward a resolution. The goal is not a peaceful meeting. The goal is a family that knows how to work through hard things together.

I put the notebook away. I stopped trying to force the version of the family council I had in my head. The toddler climbed into my lap and the second-grader showed me her drawing and the middle-schooler put his charger back where it belonged and the teenager said she had something she wanted to talk about. It was not the meeting I planned but it was the one we needed.

with love, Melissa