What I Do the Third Time My Kid Whines About Dinner

A whine is a request that came out in the wrong pitch. The pitch is the loudest thing about it and the least useful, because it only tells you to go and look, and what you find when you look is usually either a tired child or a child who has learned that whining gets results.

The night I understood the parent's half of this, I was standing at the sink on a Sunday with the roast pan soaking. Lily had picked every cooked onion out of her plate and lined them on the rim where I couldn't miss them. Ben was under the table with a truck, holding one long vowel on the word "no." I said to the dishwater, in a voice I didn't know I owned, "Nobody in this house can just eat a dinner." Lily looked up and said, "You sound like Ben." After five years of teaching third grade I could have told you exactly what that sentence was. It was a complaint with no request in it. So the next night I said the thing I say now, which is "My voice is going up and I'm not done being nice yet, so give me a minute," and I dried my hands and turned around before I said anything else.

How do you tell a whine from a real complaint?

Before I listen to a single word I ask when the child last ate and how late it is and whether something happened at school or on the bus. A complaint at 6:40 in the evening from a child who finished lunch at noon is a food problem wearing a tone, and the answer is a plate or an early bed. A good half of dinner whining gets settled at the pantry.

If the child passes all three, listen to what was actually said. A real complaint fits in one sentence and points at something you could check. The chore list really is lopsided and the shoes do pinch and somebody did get the music twice. Those deserve a hearing, and some of them deserve a change. Brush off every one of them with "stop whining" and the child learns that the words never counted, so the next complaint comes out louder. When the argument is between brothers and sisters it gets its own treatment in stop asking who started it.

What do you tell a child to say instead?

A child can't use words nobody gave her, and "ask nicely" isn't a sentence. Try "I'm tired of this chore and I don't know where to start, can I have help with the first part?" It has a feeling in it and a request, and you can say yes or no to it on the spot. Teach it on a calm afternoon, in the voice you want to get back, and have the child say it to you once.

After that you answer the request and ignore the tone. If the whine comes anyway, say one flat thing: "I can answer that. Say it the way we practiced." No lecture, and don't copy the pitch. When she does say it right, answer quickly, since a child who uses the sentence and then waits ten seconds will be back to the whine by Thursday.

Toddlers and school-age children want different things from you, and the mix-up costs a lot of evenings. A two-year-old whines because the feeling is bigger than his vocabulary, so a practiced sentence is wasted on him: he can't hold it, and the cup has hit the floor before you finish teaching it. Give him a short name for the feeling ("you wanted the other cup and it's in the dishwasher") and then two choices, never three. An eight-year-old has all the words she needs. She whines because it pays, and the complaint that got a reaction on Monday will be back on Tuesday, a little louder, if it got one. That comes from watching children and not from a study.

Paying for good behavior with tokens or marbles or stickers looks sensible and doesn't work. It's exciting for about a week, and after that the whining goes quiet and turns into sighing, which you can't very well charge for.

What do you decide before the third time?

The third time is when the unkind thing gets said. You've been patient twice and you're spending whatever is left, and what comes out is improvised and a bit mean. So make the decision in the daytime, when you like everybody, and tell the child the plan before the moment arrives.

A plan that holds up goes like this. The first time, remind the child of the sentence. The second time, remind her again in fewer words. The third time, stop answering that request until it comes back the other way, and whatever was in progress (the plate, the chore, the shoes by the door) waits right there with you. There's no speech and no punishment dreamed up on the spot, and the child gets to see that the third time has a known result. Keep it dull. A consequence that needs your anger to carry out will fall apart the day you're tired, and that's the day you need it most.

Fall break is a decent time to try it, with no bus to catch. The plan for two days off school has room on the same page for a third-time plan.

What about when the whining is yours?

Numbers 11 is a chapter about a whole camp complaining about food, and the surprise in it is who cracks. The people say they remember the fish and the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks, and that now there's nothing before their eyes but manna (verses 4 to 6). Moses hears them weeping "throughout their families, every man in the door of his tent," and he's displeased too (verse 10). Then he says this to the Lord:

I am not able to bear all this people alone, because it is too heavy for me.

Numbers 11:14

Verse 15 goes further and asks to be let die rather than see his wretchedness. Nobody in the chapter pretends this is a calm moment. What I keep noticing is the answer in verses 16 and 17. The Lord doesn't tell Moses to bear it better. He tells him to gather seventy elders, so that "they shall bear the burden of the people with thee, that thou bear it not thyself alone." Nothing in those verses says the complaining stopped. What changed is who was carrying it, and that's my reading and not something the chapter says outright.

For a parent that means looking at the hour before dinner and handing someone one job before the pitch rises: the table or the bath or the other parent for twenty minutes.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is whining a sin?

I wouldn't call it that. "Murmur" and "complain" come up in scripture, and Philippians 2:14 says "Do all things without murmurings and disputings," but Paul is writing to the saints in general, grown people included. Nothing in the verse singles out a child who is tired at the dinner table.

What do you do about whining in the car?

You can't carry out a consequence at sixty miles an hour, so I put the work ahead of the trip: food in the bag, and a plan for the long stretch. In the car, answer the request when it's said right and say nothing to the rest. If the whine is about the ride being long, that one is true so a word of agreement costs you nothing.

What if the complaint is true?

Say so. "You're right, that wasn't even" is a complete sentence and it does more for the next complaint than any rule. Then fix the thing if you can, and if you can't, say that too.

Does the third-time plan work on a two-year-old?

Not as a plan he understands. The plan is for you. With a toddler the third time is your own action, like taking the plate away calmly or leaving the aisle, and you say what you're doing in four words.

with love, Melissa