What I Want to Say Walking Into a Parent-Teacher Conference

The best thing a parent can do in a conference is walk in on the teacher's side, and I think most parents have it backwards. They walk in braced for a verdict. A teacher can feel that bracing from the doorway, and the first three minutes of a twenty-minute slot go to settling it down.

I taught third grade for five years, so I sat behind the small desk with the folder of work samples and the clock on the wall that I was not allowed to ignore. Caleb's is Tuesday at 3:50. Lily's is Thursday at 3:30 and David can make that one because he works from home Thursdays. I have not been to either one yet, so I can't tell you what anyone said. I can tell you what I hoped for from the other side of the table, and what I plan to do with it from this side.

What a teacher is hoping you'll say

"Tell me what you see" is what I hoped to hear, and that sentence changes the room because it asks for an observation instead of a judgment, and teachers have a lot more of the first than the second. Twenty-some children and one adult, so what the teacher knows about your son is what he does between 8:20 and 3:15 with other children around. You know him at 6 pm. You know what he does when the door is shut.

So the second thing a teacher hopes you'll say is something she couldn't know. That the reading log falls apart on practice nights. That your daughter goes quiet when she's afraid of getting a question wrong. That he used to love math and doesn't, starting about a year ago. Cornell Cooperative Extension has a guide for parents that says to share any information about your child that you think the teacher should know, and I wish more of my parents had done it. The ones who did made my job easier by a wide margin.

I wasn't always a good listener at the other end of this. I had my sheet and my three points and wanted to get through them, and a parent who opened with something unexpected could throw me for a minute. By the end of conference week, those were the ones I was most grateful for.

The questions I plan to ask

Write them down with the most important one first, since both Cornell and Understood say to rank them and anyone who has run a short meeting knows why. You will spend ten minutes on whatever you ask first and the last question will get a sentence at the door.

Ask about what the child does and skip how she's doing. "Is she doing okay?" gets you "She's doing great" in four seconds. These get you something real:

• Is he working up to his ability, or is he working up to what's asked?
• Who does she sit by, and who does she work with?
• What does he do when he gets stuck?
• Have you noticed any sudden changes in how she acts?
• What would you do next if he were your kid?

That last one is mine and comes from no list. I was asked it more than once, and I always had an answer, because I'd been turning it over for weeks.

Settle the top two questions with your spouse before the meeting, even if only one of you can go. David can't leave work for Caleb's, so we agreed on the same two questions for both and whoever is in the room asks them. The other one gets the notes at supper.

Don't put your child down and don't let the teacher do it.

Cornell Cooperative Extension, tips for parent-teacher conferences

The second half is the hard one. A teacher who is tired and honest can drift into describing a child as a problem to be managed, and a parent who loves that child will nod along or bristle, and neither helps. You can say, calmly, "I want to hear what he does well too." Say it early, before the list of concerns gets going.

A dad said it to me in my second year, and I'm still a little embarrassed by how long I'd taken to get to the good part.

When your child struggles, and when your child coasts

If a child is struggling, you will want to defend him or defend yourself, and both urges come from the same place. Understood says to keep your emotions in check even when your child is struggling with something, and to take a few deep breaths if you need to. I'd add that you can ask for an explanation of anything you don't follow, and you should. "What does 'below benchmark' mean for him this month?" is a fair question, and a good teacher will be glad to answer it in plain words. Then ask for one or two things to try at home, and not six, because a conference that ends in a list of action items is one nobody follows up on. One thing for the evenings, one thing to look at in three weeks. If the teacher doesn't offer a date, ask for one.

The child who coasts is harder to talk about, because nobody is worried and the meeting wants to end in four minutes. I had a handful of those in five years. Reading above level, tidy handwriting, never a problem. I told those parents the truth, which was that I hadn't yet found the thing that made her stretch. If your child is one of these, ask the teacher what the next hard thing would be, and ask whether she is ever allowed to be bad at something in front of the class.

I'm better at this advice than at following it. I hear "she's fine" and my shoulders drop, and Lily is the kind of child who is fine on paper and carrying something I can't see. So that is the question I'll ask Thursday.

What I tell the child afterward

Understood says to share anything positive that the two of you discussed, and not shy away from the problems. If there are next steps, the child should know what they are. I plan two things, said at the counter or in the car: something good the teacher noticed and one thing we're going to try together. He wasn't in the room, and a full report turns a conference into a trial he can't answer.

I'd skip any sentence that starts "Your teacher says you" and lead with "Your teacher likes how you" when it's true. When it isn't, find the true thing, even a small one, because children can tell when they're being handled.

The habit I'd change is asking the child, before the meeting, what they want brought up. Understood recommends talking with your child first, and my third graders told me things I'd never have guessed. One boy asked me to tell the PE teacher the music was too loud in the gym. I did.

The same order works when your kids fight, which I went into in Stop Asking Who Started It: ask what happened before you decide who's right.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do conferences actually make a difference?

The research on conferences in particular is thin, and I won't pretend otherwise. I've read nothing that convinces me they raise grades. What I do know from the front of the room is that the families who showed up and asked for a plan got a better plan, because I'd had a reason to write one.

What if I disagree with the teacher?

Say so, and say it as a question. "I see him differently at home. Can you tell me what that looks like in class?" is a better opening than "That doesn't sound like him." Understood says to speak up if you disagree, and Cornell says to try not to get defensive. Both are right and they are hard to do at once.

Should my child come to the conference?

Some schools invite the child, and I think a sixth grader can handle the first ten minutes. I'd save anything sensitive for after he leaves, and talk to him privately later. A third grader usually does better hearing a short version in the car.

What if the meeting runs out of time?

Ask for a follow-up call or a short second meeting before you leave. The teacher would rather you asked than think of it in the parking lot. Write down the date.

Can I bring my spouse's questions if they can't come?

Yes, and I'd send them ahead by email if the teacher is open to it. It lets her prepare, and it keeps the meeting from being the first time she hears them.

The dryer just buzzed, and there are eleven of Ben's socks in the basket and I can find four that match.

with love, Melissa