What I'd Say to an Eight-Year-Old About Her Body and Modesty

Lily climbed into the Odyssey on Wednesday after school with a fruit snack stuck to her knee and told me, in the flat voice she uses for facts she's been handed, that Hadley's mom says skinny-strap tank tops aren't modest because boys can't help what they think. She'd been at Hadley's for two hours. She watched me in the rearview mirror to see what I'd do with it, and what I did was say we'd talk about it at home and then drive past our street so I could have one more block.

I'm leaving that afternoon there, because what I want to get down is the conversation itself, which I've been having in pieces with myself all week. I think an eight-year-old girl needs a short list from her mother, and the list I've landed on is a good deal shorter than the one most of us were handed.

What does an eight-year-old girl need to hear about her body?

That it's hers and it works and there's nothing about it she should be embarrassed to be holding. I know that sounds too plain to be the answer, but plain is what I'm after. Kids this age are working out privacy for themselves, and a lot of eight-year-olds start wanting the bathroom door shut and the towel held a little higher without anyone telling them to. The parenting writers I read this week all say the same thing about it: it's normal and it comes from inside. So my job is to stay out of the way of what's already growing and keep shame from getting in.

It starts with words, and I use the real names for the parts in the same voice I'd use for elbow or kneecap. Vulva, breasts, whatever she asks about. A child who has the words can tell a doctor where it hurts, and can tell me clearly if anyone ever touches her where they shouldn't. Softer words feel gentler to the grown-up saying them and leave the child with a vague idea that the thing itself can't be mentioned.

Then comes the rule that matters more to me than any rule about clothes. Her body is hers. She gets to say no to a hug from a relative. Nobody touches her private parts. Any secret about bodies or touching gets told to me or David, no matter who asked her to keep it. A surprise is fine because it ends with a party. I say this once in a calm, boring voice and again a month later, and I don't turn it into a speech.

What do you say when a friend's family has a different rule?

You say that families do it differently, and you say it without a sneer. Hadley's mom was handing Hadley something she cares about, and Lily has to keep going to that house. Customs about shoulders and swimsuits and who sleeps in a T-shirt vary a lot from one kitchen to the next, and an eight-year-old can hear that without anyone being the villain.

The piece I won't let stand is "boys can't help it," and I told Lily so in nearly those words. Whatever anybody else thinks isn't hers to manage. She hasn't done anything to make a boy think a thing, and if a boy ever said something unkind about her clothes, the problem would be his and she'd tell me. A lot of us were taught the other version, that a girl's clothing was partly responsible for what a boy did with his mind. I think it taught plenty of girls to see their bodies as hazards to be handled for other people's benefit. The newer guidance I've come across puts modesty where it belongs, in her own self-respect and her own choices, and I'm glad. An eight-year-old can't carry anyone else's thoughts. She can barely carry her own backpack on a Monday.

Does the Bible say what girls should wear?

People point to 1 Timothy 2:9, so I read it again with Lily's question next to it.

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

1 Timothy 2:9

Look at what's listed, which is braided hair and gold and pearls and costly array, with nothing about shoulders and nothing about boys. I read that as being about display and what things cost, though I'm going by the list itself and I'd want a good commentary beside me before I said it any more firmly than that. "Shamefacedness" is an old word and I wouldn't try to define it for a third grader. What I keep from the verse is smaller, that clothes say something about how we think of ourselves and of the people in the room. That's a good conversation to have with a girl once she has opinions about clothes, which Lily does already, mostly about horses on shirts.

Where shame comes in, and what my face has to do with it

Everything I've read says a child copies the parent's reaction, so if I flinch, Lily learns the subject is a flinch, and you can say every correct sentence about bodies and teach the opposite with one eyebrow. The other half is how I talk about my own body where she can hear, which at forty-seven and after four children is a place I still have work to do. Nothing critical about a thigh in a fitting room while she's on the other side of the curtain. She hears that.

There's a question in Genesis I keep going back to. Before the fruit, the text says this.

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:25

Afterward Adam explains that he hid because he was naked, and the next thing said to him is a question about where he got that idea.

And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked?

Genesis 3:11

I won't build a doctrine on one question, and that chapter has a great deal else going on in it. Still, it's the question I want to be ready to ask when Lily tells me she's embarrassed about something, and I want to be ready for the answer to be me.

The verse that usually gets quoted at girls on this subject is Paul's.

What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

1 Corinthians 6:19

I tell Lily her body is hers, and Paul says "ye are not your own," and I haven't found a neat way to join those two. What I do is give each one a job. The "yours" sentence covers who's allowed to touch her and who decides. The temple sentence is for worth, because a place people call holy gets looked after and visited, and nobody apologizes for it. I handle the temple word the way I try to handle the questions in What I Tell My Kids When They Ask What I Do in the Temple, by answering what was asked and stopping.

How much is too much at eight?

Anything past what she asked is too much, and she asked about a tank top, so I answered about a tank top and who gets to decide what she wears and I didn't open anything else. When she asks the next question I'll answer that one in a few level sentences, and if I haven't got the words ready I'm allowed to say it's a good question and I need a day. It's the same rule I used for What to Tell a New Eight-Year-Old About the Sacrament Prayers, small honest answers and no handout.

Curiosity about her own body at this age is ordinary, and I don't react to it like an emergency. A girl who learns that her questions make her mother's voice go thin will stop asking the questions. She won't stop having them.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I use the real names for body parts with a young daughter?

Yes, and if you haven't started yet, eight isn't late. Say them like any other word, and if you can't get through them without flushing, practice alone in the car until they come out boring.

What if she's embarrassed when I bring it up?

Keep it to about a minute and let her go, since eight-year-olds take a short flat sentence far better than a heart-to-heart, and you don't owe her the whole talk in one sitting. Bring it up again sideways, in the car or while the dishes run, when nobody has to look at anybody.

Should I say something to the other mom?

Not unless something touches her safety, and otherwise I'd fix it with my own child and let the other family keep its own customs. If it kept happening I'd want a plain conversation with that mom in person, and not a text.

Can I tell her what the Church teaches about modesty?

Yes, and keep what's actually taught separate from what's only how your family does it. When I can't tell whether something is doctrine or just how my grandmother did it, I tell my kids exactly that. I try not to claim a revelation for a hemline.

What I still don't like is how lopsided the whole subject is. The talk about covering up gets handed to girls at eight and nine and ten, and most of the boys I know got a lesson on reverence and were left there. The word modesty has been used for so long as a rule about girls' clothes that I can't say it to Lily without first spending a paragraph cleaning it off, and I'm not sure I want to keep using it. I can do everything in this post right and she'll still hear the other version in a school hallway. What I'm asking her to hold, that her body is hers and also worth looking after and also nobody else's problem, is a lot harder to keep hold of than a rule about straps.

with love, Melissa