Reclaiming the Family Council: Moving from Meetings to Heart Connection
I had the agenda printed and the snacks laid out and a plan for exactly how the family council would go. The toddler was already crying about something and the second-grader was drawing on the agenda. Meanwhile the middle-schooler stared at the ceiling and the teenager hadn't come downstairs yet. I looked at my printed list of discussion points and thought this isn't working.
I almost didn't write this because I was embarrassed by how badly it went. But I have been sitting with the difference between a family meeting and a family connection and I think the agenda on the table with a drawing of a horse on it is part of the story.
How to Hold an Effective LDS Family Council
I used to think a successful family council meant getting through the agenda. We would talk about chores and schedules and behavior and by the end everyone would be on the same page. That isn't what happened though. What happened was that I talked and the kids tuned out and we all felt vaguely worse than we did before we started.
I started paying attention to what was actually happening in those meetings. The toddler was crying because she wanted attention and the second-grader was drawing because she was bored. Meanwhile the middle-schooler stared at the ceiling because he had already decided his opinion didn't matter. The teenager wasn't coming downstairs because she knew the meeting was going to be about everything she was doing wrong.
Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good (Alma 37:37).
I read that verse differently now. It is an invitation, not a command. We are supposed to counsel with the Lord in all our doings. That means we are supposed to counsel with each other too. Not lecture. Counsel.
Family Council Ideas for Children
The first thing I changed was the setting. We moved from the kitchen table to the living room floor. I put away the agenda and stopped taking notes. Gratitude replaced problems as our starting point. Around the circle I said one thing I appreciated about each person before we talked about anything hard.
It felt awkward at first. The kids didn't know what to do with a meeting that started with praise. Something shifted though. The second-grader stopped drawing and the middle-schooler looked up from the ceiling. The teenager came downstairs the next week without being called.
I wrote about this in The Family Council: From Meetings to Heart Connection and the response was overwhelming. So many of you wrote to say the same thing. Your children hate family council and you hate forcing them to sit through it. You want connection but you keep defaulting to administration.
Making Family Councils Engaging for Kids
Here is what I have learned after a lot of trial and error. Children engage when they feel their voice actually matters. Not when they are asked for input and then overruled. Not when they are given a choice between two options that are both the same. When they say something and it changes the outcome.
I started asking different questions. Instead of "who is going to clean the kitchen this week" I started asking "how can we make the kitchen work better for everyone." Rather than saying "you need to stop fighting with your sister" I started asking "what would make it easier to get along with your sister." The answers weren't always what I expected. But they were always worth hearing. We also started doing micro-councils, like five minutes on the couch before school or a quick check-in during dinner. Sometimes a walk around the block to talk about one thing. The formal weekly meeting still happens sometimes but the real connection happens in the small moments.
LDS Principles of Family Counseling
Moving the doctrine of family councils goes back further than I realized. Our Heavenly Parents held a council before the world was created. They discussed and planned and made decisions together. That is the pattern we are trying to follow. Not a top-down announcement but a collaborative conversation where every voice matters.
I think about this when I am tempted to just tell the kids how it is going to be because it is faster. The slower messier process of listening is where the actual discipleship happens, the kind I wrote about in Sacred Messiness: Finding Discipleship in Parenting Chaos. It teaches patience and humility and respect. It teaches my children that their opinions are valuable even when they are different from mine.
How to Resolve Family Conflicts With a Family Council
Hardest to learn is that I have to be willing to be wrong. If I go into a council with my mind already made up the children can tell. They can feel that their input doesn't matter. The council becomes a performance instead of a real conversation.
Going in with open hands is what I try for now. I share what I am noticing and then ask what they are noticing. Listening matters more than talking. I let there be silence while they think. Thanking them for honesty, even when it is hard to hear, comes next.
A perfect solution every time is not the goal. The goal is unity. A family that knows how to disagree and still love each other. A family where every person feels like they belong at the table.
Frequently Asked Questions
My children hate our family councils. How can I change that?
Shift the focus from correcting behavior to hearing perspectives. Try changing the environment. Move the council to the living room floor or over a treat. Make sure the children spend more time talking than the parents do. When they feel their voice actually impacts the outcome the resistance usually fades.
How long should a family council last?
There is no set time limit but shorter is usually better for children. Focus on one or two key items rather than a long agenda. A high-quality connection matters more than checking off a long list.
What is the point of a family council if the parents make the final decision?
The value is in the process. By listening to their children parents are teaching them how to express their needs and how to listen to others. Even if the final decision isn't what the child wanted the experience of being heard creates a level of trust that a simple command can't.
What if my children are too young to participate meaningfully?
Even young children can participate in small ways. Ask them to choose between two options. Let them pick the opening song or the treat. The habit of being included matters more than the content of their contribution.
How do I keep the council from turning into a complaint session?
Start with gratitude. Go around the circle and have each person share something they appreciate about someone else. This sets a tone of love before any hard conversations happen. If the council starts to drift into complaints gently guide it back to solutions.
At the end the toddler stopped crying and climbed into my lap. The second-grader showed me her drawing, the middle-schooler said something unexpected and the teenager came downstairs to sit with us. We didn't get through the agenda. But we talked and we listened and we ended the night closer than we started. That is the measure I use now.
with love, Melissa